My Vulnerability Hangover
Three Wednesday’s ago I began giving talks at a local church with the purposeful intent of going deeper into Spirit. These one hour gatherings include spiritual practices, insights, and conversations between individuals wanting to activate their inner Spirit and live from their Soul as home base. The first evening I spoke of the Highest Most and Innermost God being One God; based upon Dr. Ernest Holmes’ Declaration of Principles. I spoke of the quantum field and the scientific discovery of light within humanity. And I spoke of each one of us as the Light of God and contributors to shaping the field, or the collective consciousness.
After a powerful evening I returned home feeling a deep, deep dread. I experienced a scare born out of self exposure. I had nuded myself in front of a room full of people and I felt vulnerable. And, I couldn’t shake it. My sleep was a bit restless and I awoke with the desire of calling everyone who attend for the evening to say “just kidding,” “I take it all back.” Yet I knew the cat was out of the proverbial bag; I had been seen and I’d invited it. I stayed in my nightie all day and watched movies in the dark. About 6 pm, twenty four hours after my dreaded exposure, I had returned to my normal set-point.
My session that week with my spiritual practitioner looked at this experience of raw vulnerability. How could doing what I love, being who I am, and sharing what I know to be true, lead to a day of inactivity and apprehension? Determined to not let these body sensations determine my life trajectory, I got up again the following Monday for a Divine Do-over. I did the same service, again. The recording for the first Wednesday didn’t take, and so I chose to do it over. This time I left the sanctuary with the same feeling plus the added experience of comparing it to the first. Stories were running rampant in my mind, yet nothing was as unsettling as the feeling in my body. This time it lasted six hours.
I am no stranger to teaching or public speaking, I’ve done it my entire life. Who I am today, though, is different than I’ve been in the past. I am new. I had invested three years,2009, 2010 and 2011 mostly in silence and solitude. I did deep introspective work and cocooned during which time my Soul was born. Okay, my Soul was always there, yet the experience I had led me to a commitment to live from my Soul as my life’s guide, not my personality. And, my Soul made its debut, and I felt deep vulnerability. The second Wednesday I showed up, gave a talk, and the dread was gone.
I was sent this link from my spiritual practitioner, a talk given by Brene’ Brown at TED 2012 on vulnerability and shame.
Some of the great quotes I took away from this talk included:
Being vulnerable emerged from my data as absolutely essential to whole-hearted living.
Vulnerability is not a weakness.
Let me go on the record and say, vulnerability is the birthplace of innovation, creativity and change.
You show me a woman who can sit with a man in vulnerability and fear, I’ll show you a woman who’s done incredible work.
If we are going to find our way back to each other, vulnerability is going to be that path.
I’m in good company with my vulnerability hangover. It is my prayer the courage of God continues to deepen within me and vulnerability becomes an asset I love and appreciate.