The Future

What do you and I do when our idea of the future has taken its own turn?

A friend of mine had a breakup. All of her friends were in agreement that her significant other wasn’t worthy of her brilliance; yet she saw a future with him. She loved him. They were in a relationship for five years, living together, worshiping together, making friends together. She invested in him. When his business was going through a dry spell (which was most of the time), she financially supported them both. When one of his daughters had a birthday, she was at the party with a cake and tiara. Then he began to find other women more interesting than her. He hid phone messages. He took calls outside. He picked fights to push her away. They broke up. She moved out of the place that once was hers, then became theirs and now is his. She is fine most of the time, but when she isn’t–she is raw. She hurts. She feels foolish. She can’t believe she supported him. She can’t believe how deeply she loved and trusted him. And, she can’t believe how easy it was for her to be dumped. She also notices how hard it is to reach out to friends when she feels so bad, and yet once done, she feels immense relief.

My grand daughter also had a break up. Her first one; after dating her boyfriend for fourteen months (an eternity in teen time). Her little teenage heart hurt so much that she didn’t eat for a week. Her body sobbed so actively that her mom slept with her, holding her for that first week. Like my forty plus year old friend, she can still cry at a moment’s notice. Yet both, move forward. Both had different futures in their minds, and are presently living with the reality of the now, a different reality than the one they saw for themselves.

You and I stand witness to these heartbreaks and can know these turning points will make them stronger and more compassionate if they allow their hearts to feel and heal. And this is courageous work. To feel deep pain isn’t welcomed by most of us yet absolutely necessary to expand our capacity to love. My friend and granddaughter will actually become more loving if they allow their broken hearts to be experienced instead of shut down, and trusted instead of neglected. The perceived loss, from a spiritual perspective, is a directional change toward what can be a more and expansive love. And, yet it still hurts in the now moment.

This past year I have written and spoken a lot about the practice of showing up in a place of loving kindness for YOURSELF. Tending to your inner hurt spaces with lots of love. Being your own bestie. And, allowing the love from the heart to sit with the part that is wounded. Healer Charlie Goldsmith came out with a book on healing that is based on this premise. Here is an excerpt from his book Human Medicine: The Lost Manual for Your Emotions:

The effective formula is this: feeling plus acceptance equals integration. The path to integration is to meet these outcast feelings with unconditional acceptance….What is required in contending with supposedly “bad” emotions such as hate, fear, and pain is to love them.

As Summer has turned into Fall and we are bringing our energy from a potent, active sun-drenched state into a quieter, colder state, my invitation to you is to practice ten minutes a day (or more) loving your emotional states. Love the upsets, love the fears, love the puniness, love the retraction, love the hate that wells up toward unjustice, love, love, love and watch what happens within you.

May this Fall be one of Deep Joy,

Reverend Bonnie