The Spiritual Practice of Conversing

Having Difficult Conversations: A Sacred Practice of Truth and Love

I found myself calling a good friend last week saying to her, “I want to take on having difficult conversations as my next practice.” I have noticed over the years that I sidestep, ignore, walk away from, and thoroughly dislike having conversations that have any sort of conflict in them. This is particularly true if it is in my personal, not professional life. There comes a time in every relationship when we must speak the truth that trembles on our lips. These moments are rarely comfortable. And, as I often say, if we are living spiritually, we are regularly uncomfortable. I know these conversations are not obstacles to my path—they are invitations to grow in love, authenticity, and courage. And, they enhance or deepen a Self love and respect.

The Fear Beneath the Conversation

What makes a conversation “difficult” is often not the topic itself, but the fear beneath it. I have feared rejection, misunderstanding, or loss of harmony. The egos whispers, “If you speak up, you will lose the relationship.” But Spirit whispers back, “If you don’t speak up, you WILL lose your own self.”

When I avoid difficult conversations, I trade temporary comfort for long-term disconnection. Truth left unspoken can create distance; truth spoken with love can create transformation. I remind myself that not all relationships are supposed to make it across the finish line. Some relationships are short lived, because they are supposed to be. I recall poet David Whyte saying that friendships are built upon ongoing mutual forgiveness, which means accepting the growth of each other, partnering in learning.

Preparing the Heart

I have had a few uncomfortable conversations lately. I’ve learned that before I enter into a challenging dialogue, I pause. Breathe. Pray.
Then I remind myself of my intention which is: to love me and the other, to own my side of the street, to be curious.
If there is an intention different than going deeper into love, I don’t go any further.
I also remind myself that timing is important and the time doesn’t have to be now.

The Art of Speaking and Listening

A difficult conversation is not a monologue; it’s a dance. I share what is going on within me without blame. Use “I” statements that reveal rather than accuse:

“I haven’t been good with my boundaries. My pattern, I have noticed, is to say ‘no’ multiple times until I am warn down. This happened between us in our last conversation. I said ‘no’ to dogsitting for you five or more times. By the eighth or nineth ‘no’ I was warn down and gave in, then I was mad at myself and I resented you for my agreement. In the future I need you to hear my first ‘no.’ And, in the future, I will remind you if you aren’t hearing my ‘no’. If you persist, I will hang up or walk out.”

Then, I listen. I listen not to react, but to understand. Listening is an act of holiness, and I am training myself into my honoring ME and I am inviting my friend in to join me. I imagine this is a conversation the Divine in me is having with the Divine in the other. I look forward to how we can create a new together.

When Emotions Rise

In our culture we haven’t learned to deal with emotions; ours or others. The opportunity to stand witness to another person as a blindspot is revealed can be messy, emotionally charged, and also beautiful. I have a lot of Grace with myself when someone has a tough conversation with me. I have a lot of Grace with myself and another when I am learning to and practicing these conversations with them. I remind myself that emotions are energy in motion and very, very temporary. Friendship and love are longer lasting.

The Gift on the Other Side

After a difficult conversation, something sacred often happens. The air feels clearer. The relationship feels more real. Even if resolution doesn’t come immediately, honesty plants seeds of trust. In time, those seeds can blossom into deeper connection and respect.

Having difficult conversations is not about confrontation—it’s about communion. It is a spiritual practice, one that transforms fear into love, and silence into sacred dialogue.