From Complaining to Gratitude

I have lost my Joy. Okay, I can never lose my Joy; it is a quality of God. It is Eternal. I’ll put it another way. I have clouded my Joy with complaints.

I go to bed at night complaining to myself my back hurts.

I either wake up throughout the night with choppy sleep or I hit my pillow hard and I’m up between 3 and 5 am before I make it back to sleep. I crawl out of bed and I look at the tasks remaining for the move and I sigh. Another day like the rest for the past seven months. Ninety percent activities of doing what I don’t like with an attitude that matches. I remind myself that someday I will regain my time and space and I will be back to ninety percent self expression and ten percent doing things I don’t like.

Then I go through boxes, pack boxes, pull nails out of walls, spackle, paint, vacuum, clean drawers, line drawers, and continue to grumble until I realize how awful it feels in my body to live like this in my head. I then start giving thanks for being alive. Many people at my age aren’t above ground. I am humbled. Then a thought about the world and its woes make there way in my head and I am flood with toxic energy. I breathe this in and through then breathe in and out Light. I start over again with gratitude. I am grateful for my time in Spokane. I am grateful for the cool people I’ve met. I am grateful for nature and the beautiful summer…then I’m reminded that I haven’t been to the river, outside, spending time with my friends this summer as I have been home tending. I feel all of my emotions as they rise. I love them. I love me. And, I am back in the groove.

I am aware that complaining to myself isn’t a bad thing in and of itself. It shows me what my preferences are. It provides me with information. But chronic complaining is bad company and energetically impacts my core. Playing the game of choosing gratefulness reminds me of the basics. It reminds me of the younger Bonnie who was just learning metaphysics and the commitment it was to prune my mind. I’ve come to the realization that just because I don’t enjoy a task doesn’t mean I can’t show up for myself with love as I’m moving forward.

Just yesterday I realized that I will have my first renter in two weeks. I could see the end in sight and I realized I’m at that place in the process that is a push. I have done the heavy lifting. I have gotten over the hump. I can see the end in sight and yet there is more to do. Today is dump run day. Paint a new used desk today. Hang up a shower rod and curtains in the new shower. I keep moving and praising. I am committed to a Good day.