Who Am I That I Have Not Wanted to Be?
My dad and I used to love sitting on the couch, lights low, drinking tea and watching politicians running for office. We relished the conversation of who the candidates saw themselves to be, and the vision they articulated for the country. We watched debates, like we watched basketball, and would recall highlights afterward. We watched everyone, and I still do. Democrats, Republicans, and Third Party candidates (Ross Perot being the only serious one I remember discussing).
Last night I watched Pete Buttigieg aka Mayor Pete on The Rachel Maddow Show answer questions about coming out of the closet. Rachel begins by asking him why he waited until 33 years old to come out. She said, “I think it would have killed me to be closeted that long … coming out is hard. Being in the closet is harder.”
Mayor Pete answered in a way that struck a resounding chord within me, that I will speak to in a moment. He said,
“I guess that I just really needed to not be (gay). There is a war that breaks out inside a lot of people when they realize they might be something they’re afraid of. It took a long time to resolve that.”
Last night as I was preparing to go to sleep I was ironically awake with the question, who am I that I have not wanted to be? There are several things: spiritual, sensitive, empathic, and committed intrinsically to loving everyone. Yep, the things I love the most about me, I also ironically wish I wasn’t as they get in the way of me “fitting in” and being so-called “normal.” This inner war of giving myself fully to The Presence as Its Dearly Beloved and living amongst others who see and operate only from the physical has been a challenge for me. Each day, each year, I recommit to being who I am by giving myself permission to love regardless and to see the good in people even when they are seemingly horrible.
I struggle when listening to people’s problems and issues who aren’t clients and aren’t having the conversation on how the seeming struggle is actually opening their Soul and inspiring them into their next self. Instead, the conversation is one of blaming, making wrong, wanting things different, and fighting against the physical form. I am very compassionate with this mindset that is physically-oriented and not multi-dimensional, yet I have no interest in investing my life in it. So when I straddle the grateful I am/don’t want to be teeter totter I understand that inner war to which Mayor Pete speaks.
What do I want to do when I get together with friends? Pray, meditate, talk about how God is showing up in our lives, where we have stretched, how our Faith has transformed us. Not the normal coffee conversation. And, this is what I do with my closest friends. Then there is another group of friends I have that I love and care deeply for and yet their interests and values are different than mine. Invariably, someone from this group wants me to take sides with them on how they are right or good and someone else is wrong or bad, and I can’t. This has cost me several relationships (yet, new more substantial ones replace the old so is it really a cost?) . I also have found myself in emotionally abusive situations as I refuse to see the sinister self (hurt and unhealed self) within others. This too has had its impacts and yet these bruises bring me back into practice digging more deeply into the Well of Divine Love. Recently the volume of ratcheted up hatred in our country has been physically painful to my sensitive body; which calls me into a deeper practice of body love for myself and Meditation Light Baths to shift the chemicals in my body from stress back into Wholeness. There was a time that I saw this as inconvenient, and now I understand this is my gift back to Divine Love with an overflowing benefit to the world.
The answer continues to be, accept who I am. Love who I am. Express who I am. Trust who I am.
Several blog posts ago I wrote about my new mantra of “I am only on the planet for a few minutes.” This mantra has assisted me in the embrace of being me, accepting me, loving me, expressing me, and trusting me. And as mystics know The Presence of God IS each one of us in form, then the WHO I am is an Infinite journey back into Self and so I will always be at choice to explore or to avoid more of my spiritual, sensitive, empathic, and intrinsically loving self nature.
Who are you afraid of being?
Loving that Part of Me, Loving that Part of You,
Tune In!!! Reverend Bonnie will be on Mantz and Mitchell Radio Show this Saturday morning, KKNW 1150 Seattle, 10 am. It is also streamed live. Check it out.
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