My Experience of the Darkness: Thinking Today of Robin Williams
Life is not for the faint of heart.
To be alive — not survive, but REALLY live — means to be in touch with all aspects of Self. To see life from the perspective of the body or experience it through emotional states is different than seeing life through the eyes of Spirit. To see from the Sight of Spirit, means to have a larger peep hole or aperture from which to view or witness life.
The journey of Spirit is filled with internal states of expansion and contraction. To transform, which is the call of the Spiritual, is to enter into deep dark states within oneself and to know that even here; Life is. God is. After all, in order to transform, we are called to die to an old self in order that a new self may emerge. And death it is. No pussy footing around it. The caterpillar leaves its current physical state and turns into goo!!! that may assume a new self. Surrendering at this deep level can leave claw marks and requires teams of angels.
In 2009, 2010, and 2011 I spent most of my days in silence and solitude in retreat. My Soul was calling me deep in order that I may live fully and my peep hole may enlarge. I was leaving the realm of personal view and being opened to a more transcendent view. There were two weeks during this time that my psyche was in so much pain; it was as though I were wearing the pain body of the entire planet. I felt the pain inside of the murderer and the one being murdered. I experienced intense hatred and the state of annihilation. I visited active war zones energetically and felt the tone of war within me. I was inside the body of Hitler and other pain initiators along with the millions of victims and their pain. It was dark; I was dark. The pain was physically unbearable. Each minute didn’t feel like sixty seconds, but felt like three or four lifetimes.
On day sixteen I made an appointment with a body worker so that my body could be touched with love. She too had been through a deep transformation process, so I wouldn’t need to chat, I could simply receive. I got in my car and drove across town. While driving I said out loud in to no one “this is the field of suicide.” I am visiting the space and place within me where no hope resides, where darkness is all there is, and the pain is chronically debilitating. I followed up this insight with the question, “why, then Bonnie, don’t you kill yourself?” Within two or three stop lights, which felt like weeks in this space, I saw beyond this field into a Prayer Field. I saw that beyond this field of seeming death, way in the distance, existed people who from the beginning of time have held me in prayer for this very moment. I knew that saints, mystics, devotees of all religions, since the beginning of time, prayed for “lost souls,” were currently praying for Light in the dark, AND would continue to do so forever. This was my way of seeing this state as part of God; part of the transformation process. There was an eternal quality about this dynamic.
There was a Field outside of death, that was surrounded with Supreme Light holding that state of goo in place, that transformation may happen. Seeing the Prayer Field allowed me to endure the following two to three days at which point the darkness disintegrated and I was met with Pure Light; a constant Light I can count on and call on today.
As I saw the news yesterday about the suicide of Robin Williams my heart cracked wide open. From my spiritual experience, I didn’t see Robin Williams through the lens the media portrayed him to be — a former addict, mentally ill, a deeply depressed man (although I acknowledge his condition can be described as such). I saw him as a spiritual sojourner in the dark desert who saw the Light and wanted to get there the quickest way he could imagine.
My heart is very tender today. I am surprised how much this story has softened me. I sit in this space and will go back into the Prayer Field.
With an Open Heart,