Wanting and Mattering: A Story of Prayer
As a child there were things that I REALLY wanted.
I really, REALLY wanting a moped one year for Christmas as a young teen. I REALLY wanted this moped so I could experience the freedom of faster movement with lesser effort. I wanted to go to the movies without taking a bus, or go to friend’s homes quickly instead of walking a mile or two. I had a vision as to the WHY of this engine-driven monster. I wanted it bad. I was attached. The Buddhist would say I craved it.
My birthday is in November and Christmas is December, so I started my campaign that year in August. I began by dropping hints. Then, I cut out photos and left brochures around the house. I talked about it at the dinner. I REALLY wanted a moped. My birthday came and the first thing I asked my parents was “did I get the moped today?” I don’t remember what I got, but it wasn’t the moped.
I told my parents I understood they were waiting to give me the moped at Christmas. I could hardly wait talking incessantly about this until Christmas morning. I jumped out of bed and ran to the tree to find a moped … only it wasn’t mine, it was for my brother. I got something else.
Okay, so life isn’t fair. I didn’t always get what I wanted. My heart was crushed and has been many times since. And this is what I understand, now, as an adult. What I REALLY wanted was efficiency with the moped and to be heard and matter to my parents. I wanted my request fulfilled because then I would know I was seen, heard, and mattered.
This past week I had a conversation with a friend about prayer. He wanted to know if I believed we should ask specifically for what we want in prayer or if we ought to recognize the want and then say “this or something better.” A very popular minister New Thought minister said “you don’t go into a restaurant, order a steak medium well and then say “or give me something from the menu that is better,” you want your steak.
So I have taken this more question more deeply into my meditations this week. Wanting, yearning, desire are all good things. However, I continue to come back to the want being a Soul desire that is demonstrating itself as a thing. What I am REALLY wanting isn’t the thing, but what I perceive the thing will give me; my perception of the deeper reality is in alignment with my Soul. Do I REALLY want a steak, or am I wanting a fed and cared for body? (in which case I don’t know steak is the best option).
Just as when I was a teen; I wanted to know I mattered. Spirituality isn’t about getting stuff; it is about expressing qualities of Being. Neither or right or wrong; this isn’t a judgment, it’s an internal observation.
Does this mean I don’t pray for things I want? No. I do. Yet, I find there is a Greater Intelligence at work operating through me that is always bringing me more than what I need and aligning me with my desire before I even identify it. There is something greater going on within me than a surface desire, and I trust this.
My latest request was for a specific condo and unit that when I saw it ten weeks ago and placed my offer on it, my heart sang — full blown orchestra with choir singing. It is a foreclosed, bank-owned unit and I’ve been in a wait pattern. I know this decision does not in any way reflect my lovability in relationship with God/Universe. Paradoxically, I also know that the Universe is a friendly place and my needs are always surpassed. So I TRUST if this isn’t mine by Divine Right, then, there is something better on its way. This isn’t a cop out. This isn’t a buffer for disappointment. This is a DEEP KNOWING. And, my preference is to follow my Soul; my Deeper Self on this. If the condo isn’t to be mine, I may have revealed the answer as to why, or not. And, it doesn’t matter.
Looking back on the moped experience while writing this blog I see two things. In hindsight, I wasn’t mature enough to own a moped. The following summer I would rent one with my girlfriend’s on an island not too far from home. I slipped on gravel and had a significant wipe out. My doctor said if I’d landed differently I might not be here today. Not getting the moped at that stage of development was a GOOD choice. The second insight is that there is NO time in the Universe. I can have my moped and have it now. It is sweeter to give it to myself and Scottsdale is the perfect place for one.
Going Deeper into Prayer,