This Too is Holy
One of my favorite teachers, Emma Curtis Hopkins, speaks of the Presence of God as the Go(o)d we are seeking. The God or Good is all there is, seeking me as I am seeking It. Her teachings recommend denying anything unlike the Go(o)d of God as being Real in anyway. This is True; High Truth. However, since All is God, then there is no opposite. All is God. I am called to deeply love that within me that doesn’t feel good, comfortable, joyful, and yet is equally a condition for the unfolding of my Soul.
Last week I experienced three solid days of pure, non-stop terror. I’d met depression several times; this wasn’t that. It was far too sharp an 
energy to be complacent. My insides felt raw, frozen, uncontrollable terror. I experienced panic, fear, angst, paralyzed, anxiety. The sensations, almost debilitating, required lots of breathing and Self Love at a depth I hadn’t yet known. I didn’t try to deny this inner state, push it away, or engage in any form of addictive behaviors to soothe it. I didn’t try to dress it up. I allowed it to be. At night I dreamt of mass murders, war, suicides, serial killers, pain; it was treacherous. During the days, I walked and completed tasks on my list to the best of my abilities. Somewhere in the midst of this experience I had the realization that this energy field isn’t personal. There wasn’t a cause and effect relationship between something I said, did, created, something karmic … it had nothing to do with me!! It was impersonal. As soon as I realized this, I was able to hold it looser as this realization provided a spaciousness within me.
And, as God the Go(o)d would have It, everything I needed during this experience was provided. On my morning walk I tuned into a radio interview between Rev. Dr. Michael Beckwith and author Jeff Foster. They were talking about the spiritual journey and spoke directly to what I was experiencing:
It’s (spirituality) not about the ultimate protection, it is about removing the layers of protection; the defenses against life we have built up over the years. It is about touching life, it is about feeling life, in its raw state. It’s not about transcending sadness or never feeling sadness again, it is about remembering your true nature, how vast you are, actually….You are as vast as an ocean. Thoughts, sensations, feelings are like waves in the ocean of you….You are vast enough to allow all feelings to come and go in your presence. The feelings of joy and bliss and ecstasy are willing to come. Sadness too. Feelings won’t destroy you, even though you may feel they will. You are built as Pure Capacity. You are the container for feelings….The tendency is to runaway from the present….Trust that the Vast Intelligence of the Universe hasn’t abandoned us in the present moment. In running away we may be missing the gold….The invitation is to trust the intelligence of the moment. – Jeff Foster
Both men spoke of deep despair, dark dread, depression, the urge to die, feelings of being in hell; all as a part of the spiritual journey. Just when I needed to be reminded that even this is Holy, the reminder was brought to me through my iPhone. I honestly didn’t know if I would live through this intensity. I thought my circuits would blow. Yet, they didn’t. After 72 intense hours of being a container for powerful dark sensations, it lifted and I experienced relief.
The spiritual journey really isn’t for sissies. It is a courageous way of being in the world.
My hat is off to each of us,
